Colour of Light

Engage brain before opening mouth...

2011-04-24T23:06:00.004+01:00

A few weeks ago someone made a comment to me that was so completely thoughtless that I have only now been able to process it. It was a recommendation that I watch a TV series called ‘The Big C’. The reason? Because it’s ‘touching, sweet and funny’. I can’t remember how exactly those words were couched because I was so shocked.

I had colon cancer in 2006. Nothing about it is touching or funny or sweet. It was painful, uncomfortable, exhausting, embarrassing and absolutely terrifying. But very few knew that because of the stigma surrounding cancer and the reluctance of many people to talk to me about it. People don't want to know the uncomfortable truth.

The treatment was even worse. I had to take oral chemo for six months – three weeks on, one week off. On this particular drug, hair loss was not one of the many side effects. I was told so often ‘You’re lucky you didn’t lose your hair!’

Yes. Fortunately I only had to deal with nausea, diarrhoea, damaged and painful nerve endings in my hands and feet, complete exhaustion, impaired concentration, blurred vision from swollen lenses and lots more. So that was lucky. And best of all, I knew exactly which at which stage of the medication cycle everything would suddenly get worse. So it was six months of painful anticipation.

Best of all, when I was a month into the treatment, everyone around me had moved on from the initial shock. No-one really wanted to hear that I was tired, feeling ill, couldn’t walk without pain, and couldn’t see very well. They were already at the stage of, when they asked how I was feeling, all they really wanted to hear was ‘Fine thanks’. I was isolated, in pain and scared. But lucky that I didn’t lose my hair.

I sound bitter about it because I am. I tried to reach out, but was sidestepped. On top of it all I had to carry on working. I came out of hospital after my operation on a Friday and was back in the office on the Monday. In fact in the six months of treatment I took only six sick days.

I don’t know how I got through it all, but I did, and I did it myself. I fought my way though. I don’t need to be told to watch some TV sanitised view of how funny, sweet and touching it all was. I know the truth.

Words that don't work

2011-04-18T20:09:00.006+01:00

After a Facebook discussion about grammar and the use of words that we hate, I thought it would be a good time to resurrect an article I wrote some years ago. Interesting that I still feel the same way!

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Some words just don’t work. These are words that screech across my nerves like a fork across a clean dinner plate. I read them, and suddenly I don’t want to read any further.

The first three are grouped together and etched on my brain:

“wanna, gonna, gotta“

Very appealing when babbled by a two year old, but ridiculous in print. Throw in “ ‘cos ”, and tell me if you can take this person seriously:

“I gotta study hard ‘cos I’m gonna go to law school and I wanna get good grades”

Not so much.

Then there are the words that have been customised without any good reason, because they were perfectly good words in the first place:

“Gotten” - Where did “gotten” come from? What’s wrong with plain old “got”? And how about “burglarised”? Why don’t we just get “burgled” or “robbed” any more? It’s much simpler, and easier to spell!

I think it’s all to do with people’s natural tendency to exaggerate. No-one has “a cold” any more, they have “the flu” - it sounds more impressive. In fact when someone has “flu”, it becomes “viral influenza”. Headaches become migraines, indigestion becomes acid reflux, and words become longer. Strange.

I’ll throw in “cool” and “neat”, because they never seem to be used to describe the temperature or the state of one’s desk any more. Okay, I know. Pop culture. I don’t have a problem with that. My problem is with the fifty year old man who writes to me that he “gotta new computer, and it’s really neat.”

Ooops, nearly forgot! More exaggerations:

“small little”

“more better”

Does “small” make “little” any smaller? No. Same with better. You don’t get “more better” or “less better”. You just get “better” (well, some of us do!)

Of course it doesn’t help that English is probably one of the world’s most confusing languages, so to finish off, here’s an extract from an email sent to me by a San Francisco resident:

“How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.”

I gotta go now. Cya.

Eavesdropping

2011-04-05T21:10:00.002+01:00

Eavesdropping. I love it!

I was sitting opposite two people on the train today who were trying to outdo each other with stories of what they did on holidays or weekends to various European cities. Most of the stories revolved around mega quantities of alcohol. Then the guy started talking about a 'boys' weekend in Barcelona when one of his friends sat on a marble sculpture and broke it and as it fell, so a whole lot of marble vases/urns around it also broke. The police appeared out of nowhere and arrested him - he spent three days in jail. When he was released he found that the police had (presumably)nicked his passport, wallet, phone etc. So he had to go to the British Embassy for help, and they managed to organise a travel document and get him to the airport with seconds to spare before the gates closed for his flight... It was exhausting just to listen to! And the journey passed so quickly. I swear the carriage was quieter than usual and that everyone was leaning slightly towards our seats to hear what happened next. They got off at the same station as me, and I was so tempted to fall in behind them and eavesdrop my way up the stairs and out to the street - but that would have just been creepy. Maybe next time

I have to talk about the snow...

2010-01-13T19:36:00.000Z

I can't help it. I know it's boring to talk about the weather, but it's something that is really affecting my life. It snows, and my world shrinks. I didn't grow up with snow and it scares me to think I could slip on the ice outside and break a bone. I've never broken a bone before and don't really want to start now. I worry about braving the ice to get to the station and get the train to work because I don't know if I'm going to be able to get home again. Will the trains be cancelled? Will the buses be cancelled? Will the taxis all disappear like the last time I tried to catch one? And even if I get back to my home station, will I be able to get down the hill from the station to the main road and then up another hill to home? Or will I just be stranded in a shop doorway somewhere and freeze?

I'm usually so brave, but the snow this winter has just defeated me. I feel like a coward and I feel ashamed of myself and there's nothing I can do to control the situation. It's going to be Spring soon, isn't it? Next Winter I'll be prepared with snow boots and maybe a walking frame.